This Saturday, Amy Leichtenberg will be at the starting line of the annual Taking Steps to End Child Abuse Color Run in Normal, Illinois.
She might be smiling. She might also have a lump in her throat.
She will, in her own words, have two holes forever in her heart.
Each year, Brightpoint holds the 5K race in honor of Leichtenberg’s two sons, Duncan and Jack, who were slain by their own father, who then killed himself in 2009. For the past 15 years, Leichtenberg has channeled her pain and grief into advocacy for the 5K event, which benefits the family visitation center, a place for secure and supervised visits between noncustodial parents and their children.
Prior to her sons’ deaths, a judge had granted unsupervised visits to their father. Keeping the family visitation center funded and operational is critical for the safety of children, Leichtenberg said.
“If I can help just one child or spare one parent from this pain, then I’ve done my job,” Leichtenberg said in a recent interview. “And I made a promise to my boys that they would never be forgotten. I will tell their story until the day I die.”
Not that they would let her forget. The mother smiled as she shared that she still receives signs from her boys from time to time – a song on the radio, a penny on the sidewalk – and if she ignores those signs, they return even louder and more impossible to brush aside.
“I know it may sound strange,” she said, “but I do feel them with me sometimes.”
‘The best of brothers’
Duncan, 9, was a sweet and serious boy, an “old soul,” according to his mother. He was a talented young artist who liked to draw. Jack, 7, was the more mischievous of the two with a wild sense of humor.
“With Jack, it was always – ‘I didn’t do it!’” Leichtenberg recalled, laughing. “And I’d be like, I didn’t ask you if you did something or not. What happened?”
Both boys loved animals, wrestling, swimming and each other.
“They were the best of brothers,” she said. “They always had each other’s back.”
Her memories of them are vivid, joyful and painfully finite. There was the time that they went to get their dog Jules from the Humane Society. The boys were ecstatic. They also loved to swim and enjoyed a membership to the town swimming pool in Normal. On another occasion, they went to see a Batman movie as a family, all dressed up in costume. There were countless wrestling meets with all the inevitable wins and losses. Leichtenberg still has their T-shirts from the meets.
“I feel like I’ve had two journeys in my life – the journey I had with Duncan and Jack, I can go to that side and visit those memories. But it gets hard when you know there’s not going to be any new memories,” she said.
And that’s when she tries to focus on her current journey, a full and happy family life with her partner, Justin Johnson, daughter Emma, 11, and twin 9-year-old sons, Luke and Liam. Their days are filled with soccer games, tumbling competitions, bike rides and neighborhood walks.
Each night before bed, they say what they’re thankful for.
“They’re God’s peace offering to me,” Leichtenberg said. “They helped bring me out of a terrible place. They taught me to love again.”
As her kids have gotten older, she’s told them more about what happened with Duncan and Jack. As a family, they celebrate the boys’ birthdays – Duncan’s on October 17, Jack’s on April 10 – with some cake and their favorite foods, cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets.
It’s bittersweet watching Duncan and Jack’s friends, now in their mid-20s, grow older on social media, Leichtenberg said. She can’t help but wonder what her own boys would be like today.
“To me, they’re forever 9 and 7,” she said.
A safe place for visits
So far this fiscal year, Brightpoint’s family visitation center in Bloomington has provided a safe place for more than 200 visits for 40 families and 51 children in McLean County. Domestic violence is the top reason for referral to the family visitation center.
The center has two separate entrances and parking areas for each caregiver, who arrive in staggered arrival and departure times to minimize possibility of conflict. The center’s also equipped with security cameras, panic buttons and two-way mirrors.
By providing a safe space for visits, the family visitation center makes space for improving parent-child relationships, even for noncustodial parents who have made serious mistakes, said Mendy Smith, vice president of early childhood services.
“Amy’s continued advocacy reflects her courage and resilience after unthinkable loss,” Smith said. “Each year, the details of her story don’t change, but the love she has for the boys continues to grow and grow. I am so thankful for her strength.”
The pain never goes away entirely. But through the years, Leichtenberg has learned to navigate her grief, to meet it head on and not try to avoid it.
“There are days when – I’m still their mom and can’t just check out – so I’ll just say, ‘Mommy’s sad today,’” she said. “And they understand.”
Emotionally, the day of the 5K can be challenging, she acknowledged. But Leichtenberg and her family will be surrounded by loved ones, friends and community members who are there to honor her sons and support the family visitation center. She hopes to meet some new people there, too.
Before the race kicks off, she’ll say a few words of gratitude. A few people there will hear their names for the first time.
Duncan and Jack.
“Every new person that leaves there, they’re going to take their story and tell their friends and so forth and so on,” Leichtenberg said. “My boys won’t be forgotten.”
Click here for to learn more about the 5K on Saturday, April 25 and to register. If you can’t make the 5K but would like to support the family visitation center, click here to donate.